Last Updated on March 20, 2020
Warning: Your Gym Experience is About to Suck
I like the gym. It is my peace. My serenity. My relief from screaming kids and that one coworker who constantly says dumb things.
My morning starts early (that’s how all mornings start, I guess, but it sure sounded fancy to say it that way). I take down a superfood smoothie full of greens and proteins and fuel for my body. I jump in the Camry (stop, seriously, I love that damn car) and off to the gym I go.
With the exception over stressing about whether or not I can deal with showering there (I have gym shower anxiety, I pretty much can’t do it once I see an old man using a hand dryer on his genitals), I have few worries.
The early morning is Gym-Zen. The people are few. The machines are as free as yard sale gnomes at 4 am. The hand dryers are unoccupied of geriatric weeds.
But oh, how times are about to change. People have eaten a zoo bison’s weight in sugar and fat. And now people are online searching for ways to unfatten themselves. Inevitably, these people are about to reduce your Gym-Zen to an inner thigh rash that itches all night long.
The change is coming. But what’s the guy or girl who fires up that Camry every morning of every day of the year and goes to the gym to do? Well, you could take the month of January off. Or, you could mentally prepare.
By mentally prepare, I mean to say, know your enemy.
1) Spotter Bro. This is the guy that will need a spotter on his starting reps. He basically has no warmups; he just goes right into not having strength. This guy can’t even do a pushup because he hasn’t worked out since George Costanza freaked out on some lady for kicking the back of his seat in a movie theater. Spotter bro will be done after his first day due to massive soreness from doing four spotted reps.
2) Treadmill Cinema Girls: These are the girls who will soon be clogging up all the treadmills facing the tvs with The View playing on them. They will walk slow enough to achieve a 400 calorie burn in a mere 1.5 hours. Wanting to just do a little treadmill warmup before hitting the iron? Plan to wait. Hopefully, you can see Whoopi Goldberg freaking out from your standing position, which potentially burns calories at a faster rate that those girls slow walking the treadmills into despair.
3) Bad Squatter Bro: Having been an avid gym guy for decades, I can tell you flat out that “bad squats” are coming. Sure, we see them all year, but nothing like what January has in store for us. Bent backs, feet spread like an eagle’s wings, too much weight: these bros are going to wake up the next day with a serious case of the “bad backs.”
4) Pimp Bro: These are the bros that come to the gym with the intention of losing weight. However, they get lost in the gym’s hot girl parade. So they post up on expensive, highly sought-after pieces of real estate like bench presses and leg presses, with the only intention being they want to check out some girl’s hot bod. Yeah, they may do a set or two, but don’t expect any sweat to be derived from the resistance of weights. It will take about a week before the hotties sell these bros down the river and disrupt their game. Until then, we all have to suck it up.
5) Smoothie Rats: These are the people who pretty much refuse to make a healthy diet a part of their workout regimen. They don’t do protein shakes and take supplements like we do. Instead, they think just making an appearance at the gym and hanging out in the smoothie bar is enough. These people take up parking spaces, so plan accordingly.
Don’t you feel better already?